The Warning from God 

My Wife Journal #20

July/28/2026 @ 8:45pm




    As private and ducked off as I would like to remain, I have been feeling a great tug to continue to tell my faith journey and things that I have overcome through the trials. In some instances, I don't care to share anything, however I know that this is not me who is moving to do this and is the Holy Spirt for whatever reason. I have a feeling as to why this is happening this way, but of course we never know the full picture most times until after the fact. I remember when I was younger, I would hear, I look like a teacher, and there would be people that would entrust me with certain situations to help in a teachable moment. Not realizing that this was apart of my calling in the Kingdom of God. It reminds me of the story of Moses and how he had a stuttering issue, but God still used him in an hour to set the Children of Israel free. He questioned God, on this matter because he felt inadequate because of the concern with a stuttering problem. And me being me and learning moment by moment of who I am in Christ, I am finding myself confident in teaching, but that hasn't always been the case. Even now I tend to say, Lord I don't know why you chose me to have this much knowledge and to go and tell your people about what we are heading into, but I ask for the confidence and peace I need to speak your words into the lives of those who will listen and will adhere to the times we are in. 

    I sit back most days and just analyze how my life has been for the last several years, because I went through A LOT!!! Deep things that made me want to give up multiple times. And I do mean multiple times. But I found what it means to forgive, heal, and move forward. At one point, it angered me to even think on some of the things I experienced and pained me when I tried to speak on it and in my eyes, it went unheard. I learned, that when God speaks, you just do what he tells you to do and leave it at that. And when I knew to be quiet, I remained quiet, and when God told me to speak, I spoke in whatever way that looked like. Truth be told, if we all had it our way when walking with the Lord we would continue to run and question God, like Jonah and Moses did, but in the end where does that leave us? Still, having to do what the Lord positioned us to do. And one of the many things, the Holy Spirit moved me to do around this same time last year, was send out a letter to about 5 individuals revealing who has been behind my downfall. And as I write this, it does not anger me pain me or bother me to write these things because I have healed and overcame the burden of what it means to forgive. 

    The reason why I am moved to write this, is because I was telling a story about a time when I found myself living in sin at the age of 19 years old, just had my oldest, and decided to smoke. At that time, it was called Hydro. And not knowing what was coming next, I got so high and fell asleep. And what I can recall when I woke up, in a trance, where I felt in my body, but I was reenacting sinful nature and the life of sin I had lived flashed before my eyes, and I began to try to seduce my child's father as we were together that night. He quickly realized that I was not myself and began trying to assist to sum it up. I acted out in such a way, that if anyone who knows the spiritual realm, would have said I was possessed. I had no control over my body, but I knew who I was, but I had no control and it felt like I was in hell. It felt like I was repeating this moment of being in hell and asking for forgiveness over and over and over again, WITH NO RELIEF. I was asking God to please forgive me, I will never smoke again, I will never sin again. Begging and pleading, pleading and begging, and could not shake this for nothing. I mean, this went on for months where I would wake up daily able to live, but feeling like I was in hell daily. With a feeling of sense of death. Like spiritually dead and could not escape and continue to beg and plead with God as I would even be at work feeling this way. I had to move back home, and from there I started my journey with Christ for the first time. I stayed in the book of Romans chapter 6-8 for months. I broke out in ringworms all over my body while living back home and just went through the motions of trying to get whatever I was dealing with off of me. From what I knew and understood at that time was to just call upon the name of the Lord. I knew of the Lord, but I was not living like Christ. I was out there trying to find myself through people and things that held no weight in the Kingdom of God. And this was my wake-up call. This time of my life was intense and scary, because I remember constantly begging in the closet and asking God to forgive me for months, until one day I kept reading Romans 6: 1-14 and it just clicked. Like a light bulb went off, and at that very moment, that oppression, heaviness, and possession was completely released from my life. I felt free from this feeling that plagued me day in and day out. It happened so quick, as if it never happened and I felt spiritually free. And I made a vow to Christ before I became free, that I would never smoke another day in my life. And like many of us, we forget the vow we make and go right back into what God had delivered us from. And for me, I knew better but still wanted to live in sin. And I don't believe it was so much just me that wanted this lifestyle, I believe it had a lot to do with what I was around at that time in my life, and the fact that I would seek validation in men at times and find myself, searching for love through a man, because I did not know who I was. 

    There were quite a few times where, I would backslide and then find myself crawling back to Christ and would get harder and harder each time. And this last time, did it for me. I mean it was so agonizing that, when I look back not that I try to, but when I look back, I always thank God for even bringing me through like he did because I was deep in my lifestyle, and it was so hard to crawl back to Christ. This has been the longest that I have stayed the course with Christ this time, and if you ask me if I would go back, THE ANSWER IS NO!!!!!!! I would not even take a chance. As a matter of fact, I don't even think about it AT ALL!!! One thing about it, is that I knew that if I didn't surrender, then I would not be here to even write this. When I say, this last surrender was in a serious battle. I mean that with every fiber in my body. 

    What I will say is that one major event that stood out in this time frame of my life with my first encounter of what hell feels like, is that I kept repeating this one thing over and over again. And I was saying, " Give your life to the Lord ______!" Inserting the father of my boy's name in the blank. I kept saying this to him out loud over and over that night. I remember this vividly, never forgot it, and as I was telling this story about two days ago, and I was bringing this part of the story up, it hit me like never before, because of the things that I went through, I understand now after all these years, why I was saying this. My spirit knew that later down my path that I would go through pain and agony of what I would deal with, and know who would be the root cause of it all, and in that moment, I realized that, that had always been a WARNING! 

    In my last fellowship, it was about being in a reprobate mind state. And in this fellowship, we discussed, how someone is in a reprobate mind state when they are no longer convicted by the things that are done out of sinful nature, and God is allowing one to be turned over to their own devices to allow them to dig a ditch for themselves. And one of the things I spoke on, was that everyone will have had a chance to come into the knowledge of who Christ is before taking their last breath, so there will be no excuse. And I thought about, how the Lord has been using me to even speak to those who have come against me by monitoring what I do, and the Lord showed me that He has been using me, so that no one that has caused me pain, anguish, and obstacles will have no excuse because I was the mouthpiece that God used to deliver his word of understanding what it means to repent and turn from your ways. But when God is done, HE IS DONE! And in this hour, as I know that God is patient and long suffering to everyone so that we come into the knowledge of Christ, and He is also all knowing and knows when enough is enough. And we all have to answer to that when God says so. But I learned something in this fellowship as well as the same day I read Romans 6:1-14, and just as I became free and felt the release from the feeling like I was in hell, is the same free feeling I felt when I realized that those words I kept saying that night, "Give your life to the Lord ____" have always been warnings signs, because of the choices one would make later in life toward me, and others. And when pride is at an all-time high, it has to be dealt with accordingly. As the good word says, Pride comes before Destruction. The book of Moses is a great story that details the heart of man when Pride has reached its peak, and how God deals with Pride in the end.

    And as God continues to restore, renew and purpose me into this walk, I prayerfully believe that in this hour, you and I have had a moment of freedom, that no longer burdens or feels heavy, as we walk our paths of righteousness and come together to continue to do the work of the Lord with greater abilities as we become one. Oh, and by the way, I believe it was my wife journal #17 where I spoke on getting a marriage license. Although I'm not big on that and just making sure there is a covenant with Christ in place, I do still want a ring!!! LOL, just so you know. I feel like I know you already, just how I'm speaking right now. But you can do what you would like with that information, I just don't want the marriage license through the state, but of course we can cross that bridge when we get to it because you may have a different outlook on it to help me understand why that should be in place from a biblical standpoint. I honestly, just feel like those who are in Christ and married feel as though when a marriage license through the state is signed is when those in Christ feel like that is what makes the covenant and able to consummate the marriage at that point and only when that happens. But I believe it goes deeper than even the license. But of course, we can discuss that when the time is right. Until we meet in the physical be blessed and may the Good Lord handle your light weight.


Signed,

Your Wife