My Wife Journal #16

My Heart

July/17/2026 @ 3:22pm



    I wanted this entry to be a little transparent to my husband in this moment. I am sitting here fresh off of work and immediately went into prayer and listening to the heart of the Lord. I know this is the hour of recompense and as much as I have always been to myself and out the way, I have found myself wanting to express this side of who I have always been. And at this point in my life, it is more profound more than ever. 

    In the beginning of my walk, I felt very lonely, the world was against me, and the lies I knew that were being told about me, bothered me to the core. But it taught me how to guard my heart inwardly. It taught me how to walk alone and be fully dependent on God, because man will always fail us. But if God before us, then who can be against us. What I understood out of this, is that I was being hidden. When I say hidden, I watched how certain people stopped watching, commenting, contacting me, I watched how if I went around others who knew a lie about me, were much different than the usual. I saw who was being used against me and not knowing the full extent of what was really going on. 

    See, nobody knows how many times the enemy has tried to take me out, and even I can't count the times, but I know that it was one to many times. I know that people were being used, in such a way that they had no idea that they were contributing to my demise. I knew these things because when you walk with God, he reveals these things to his people. He shows you the important things, and these moments revealed to me that walking alone is not a bad thing when you're in Christ. It is a preparation movement in Christ, so that I would not waver from this walk, so that I had no distractions. The Lord kept me hidden, because although I knew what was going on, everyone had to remain silent, so that I didn't know in the physical and get deterred off of my walk. I was being hidden from the negative words, the lies, the manipulation, just everything that involved making sure I stayed the course. And at first, I was asking what is going on, why are all of my clients leaving, not scheduling, why are the people that once helped me, now are becoming people that act weird around me. Why are people becoming distant. And I remembered one of my strongest prayers was Lord remove everything that is a distraction to me, remove those who are not strong in you and can't go on this path with me. And when I prayed that prayer, things started shifting to the point where I needed some type of physical reassurance. And what do you know, if out of coincidence or was it coincidence, that the father of my kids asked me if we wanted his dog "Homie". I was against it at first, but eventually accepted homie, and He became the closest thing I had ever had and needed at that time in my life. And after his passing on June 24, 2025, I was okay with being alone, because by this time I was fully secure in my walk with the Lord. And although we were blessed with another dog earlier this year, I said nah, I don't want another dog, and I gave him to someone who could care for him.

     For one, I don't think another dog would be able to replace Homie although he got on my last nerve when he barked at every dog, and could not really be around others without barking, but I loved that dog on a deep level. He was there during some trying moments. He slept by side and stayed close by me and could tell when I was hurting. He was around while I slept in my car for a month while the hand of God moved in my life for a place to call home during the cold rainy nights. He was there when I wanted to make sure my son got to his basketball tournament in Kansas and I slept in the car over the weekend just so my son could escape the realities of life. He was there when I barely had, food in the house, gas in my tank, moving from pad to post, sacrificing things. Homie was just there!!! And by the time he passed, I was ready for the path of being alone. I even prayed and said to the Lord that I would be okay, if I didn't ever marry, just because I am complete in Christ. I don't need a man to validate, hold me, pay my bills, or get on my last nerve LOL!!!! Of course, I want those things!!! What woman wouldn't, who has dreamt of marriage since a little kid. But those things don't make me who I am. Christ does, and I learned also learned this during these last three years. I want to be loved physically, but because I experienced so much pain and suffering to where I'm only vulnerable to one soul in this entire world, to where I can't really talk to them how I would like, I find myself being okay, without the physicality's of having a man. This one person is my blood and has never hurt me. I guard my heart so much so now, that you can't just easily hop into my inbox, and call me, and I respond especially if you don't have a close walk with the Lord. I will say this, I do communicate with a brother in Christ from the past, who gave his life to Christ while being incarcerated but that is far few and in between. Outside of that, I remain steadfast before the Lord awaiting my next assignment, movement from the Lord, or just remaining in his Peace. The Lord told me the best gift he gave me after salvation, love, and breath, is PEACE!!!!! And baby, I protect that to the highest capacity. So, I don't need anyone coming in my life to take away from that, add would be great, but take would be something that I know even my Father would be against. And coming from someone who does not express much emotion when in pain, and mostly only cry when in the presence of the Lord, would be a long stretch for me to just have anyone in my space. I keep my space sacred before the Lord. I remove myself from things that bring division, and tension. I truly guard my heart. When it comes to family you may get a little lead way out of me, but if you're not my close-knit family, you can literally kick rocks with all do respect. LOL!!! I'm laughing but so serious. I have learned boundaries, and what is valuable in my life. And that is peace, a peace of mind. I mean now grant it, there can be things going on around me, but in my secret place I find peace. I find solace because God is a sovereign God. He wipes my tears when I just want to be done, He holds me in warmth of his ambiance, he soothes me with his fresh word, and when I leave out of His presence, I find that I can continue on with life in Peace. If you guys only knew. I heard one time, that, God's presence is better than the big "O". And let me tell you haahahahaha!! Indeed, I love it here. I always ask myself, what took me so long. But I'm glad I get to experience this kind of peace in a world full of hate, lies, and pride. So, in this, I'm simply saying, It's the peace that surpasses all understanding that has gotten me this far. I truly value the Peace of the Lord by guarding my heart. If and when, you come along, just know that you have to understand what this looks like through the lens of Christ but through your own walk with Him and him alone. 


Signed,

Your Wife