The Last 3 Yesars!!! 

My Wife Journal #13 

 @10:37p.m 07/14/2026 



    The last 3 years have been a whirlwind of events. But let me first start off by saying this... This is a full circle moment. I had no clue that the Holy Spirit would move me to start back journaling and it just so happen to be around the time I stopped journaling 3 years ago, that I start back. I went back and read the last 6 entries and even in reading those, I must say I have even grown in regard to how I move, think, and carry myself since. If I am honest, I'm not quite sure why the Holy Spirit moved me to stop writing because this is one of my enjoyable moments which is to write about life. I have been doing this since I could remember. I mean I still have my old journals from when I was younger going through teenage love and etc. I know if I went to open and read those journals, I would probably laugh for days just reading some of the stuff I may have said. It amazes me how much we grow in life and more so when we find Christ. But as far as, why I believe I stopped journaling for the last few years was to focus more on me and growth in the Lord. I stopped praying for you, in a sense of how I was before, so that I could heal, grow, and become the best version I can be. It's not that I didn't think about who you are, or where you are or if you are okay, it's just that I truly may have just needed to focus on who Christ is in my life during the last three years. I say this because, I truly learned what faith looks like during this time, and how to heal deep within. I believe I was hurting deep inside from what I knew to be true when one comes into the knowledge of what betrayal looks like. I went through the emotions of anger, resentment, pain, questioning, and lastly healing. And what healing came with is being able to walk in true love and allow God to be God on when he determines how he will handle those situations. I had to really dig deep within myself to heal properly and let go and it took some time. And that is more so because certain things kept happening that caused me to relive certain things until I realized that God was showing me how to love even when you know the truth without out secretly going through anger and pain. So, in other words, I have learned how to not be moved off of emotion, allow my No to be No and my yes to be yes. When we get to this point in our walk, we find that it is beyond peaceful. And for the last year I have been able to experience the most profound peace that I have ever experienced in my own personal life because of forgiving others. This doesn't mean that I am passive and will let things ride, it just means simply put, pick your battles, and know what it means to give your burdens to the Lord. I truly walk in this principle. 

    So now that I am at this place in my walk, I believe that the Lord has allowed me to start this journaling back up and do what I love doing. When it comes to learning about faith, I went through some trying times not long after my last journal entry where it taught me true faithfulness and how to trust the Lord through all situations. It was truly a fruitful time for me in longsuffering, because I thought I had endured the toughest times in my life prior to the last few years, not knowing God had even more in store for me to go through. To understand faith on a way bigger scale than I would have liked it to be. I can laugh about it now, but let me tell you, it was not one bit of a laughing matter when you're on your knees crying out to the Lord to remove this burden. But around February of 2025, I was not in my own place. I was actually on an assignment. All of my things were in storage living out of a suitcase, right after my birthday, and just had a complete melt down. Because I thought I was supposed to be ahead by this time, I thought I had endured enough, I thought, I thought, I thought, not realizing God could care less what I thought or felt because after I threw a fit at my grown age I wiped my tears, and the Holy Spirit moved me to turn to James 1:4. And at that very moment after reading, it about 12 times and then going to verse 3 to read that, it hit me like never before. So, allow patience to have its perfect work in its entirety so that I lack nothing in a paraphrasing standpoint. And I sat there in awe of the presence of the Holy Spirit and allowed him to just speak to me. Because so many times, we as fleshly beings want to feel good, and feel accomplished by the things we have achieved in this world and most times go off of what we have, to establish where we fit in this world, or around people, and tend to forget that none of this stuff truly matters, or the money we have, or even the things we have accomplished. In the Book of Philippians, Paul was teaching on how to be humble and how to be abased no matter where you're at in life, and he spoke on this while in prison. And here I am upset and feeling uncomfortable because I'm still not where I would like to personally be in life. And, what God was working through me was to learn how to be patient, learn what it means to be content without complaining, without throwing a fit. And four months after that I was blessed with a fully furnished home. And guess what, I haven't slept anywhere else but maybe three places since moving because for those three years I was going from place to place on an assignment in which I understand now to help with my purpose, which was learning what faith looks like. Had I not gone through those times I would not have near as much faith as I have now, because long suffering helps you grow in your faith. Hope deferred makes the heart grow fonder. So, in that, I understood where the Lord had taken me, and it put me in place where I was able to solely depend on the Lord to move on my behalf when the time was right. 

    Of course, there are so many other things I could express when it comes to the last few years, but I'll save that for teachable moments. What I will say, is that I'm not sure just yet if I will start back praying for you anytime soon, however, I know when the Lord moves me to pray, I can say that it will be priority. What I do believe is that during the time I started this journal, I desired to have a husband, but the last few years, that has been the least of my concerns, just because I did not want to come into a place of idolizing being married. The thought of being married, or wanting the touch of a man, or the companionship. I wanted to really do the work to understand me, my walk, and where I stand with the Lord. So many of us women, are so fixated on being loved by a Godly man that we end up marrying a half-baked man. And honestly, last I checked; I have never met a woman that knows how to bake, take something out the oven before it is completely done. When we do that, we are leaving room for the enemy to infiltrate the marriage, which makes it harder on us and when we have to spiritually war on his behalf. And if that is the case, then nine out of ten the woman was also half baked and not fully ready for marriage so that in itself is a war to take on and can cause unnecessary drama. But with how most of us are wired, we don't know how to be patient to allow God to do a perfect work within us. We just have to have it our way instead of allowing God to really do the work that needs to be done within us, which could be a disaster in the making. Now, I can say that it may have still been your soul mate, but just wrong timing. As someone who has never been married, I chose not to just settle because I always knew that marriage is seriously something special in my eyes and as much as I thought one or two of my past flings could have been the one, I also knew in my heart that I would be making a big mistake because neither one of us were healed, or even ready. See, what most don't understand is that marriage is ministry. It is not to say that oh I'm a wife or a husband now and go through the motions of preparing for a wedding and having the commitment of marriage and now being able to live freely in the confines of the marriage when it comes to sex, no its work. It's trying times, it's truth being told even if it doesn't feel good, it's becoming sacrificial, it's learning how to be vulnerable, and loving unconditionally, I tell you what, that's another thing, had I not went through these last few years with what I experienced, and married before i went through what I went through, I may have not wanted to stick around after maybe a few times of feeling like I'm not being heard, just because of how I wanted the Lord to move on my behalf because I was uncomfortable. Sometimes marriage will be uncomfortable, and as a past sprinter from reality, I had to learn how to embrace adversity and face challenges head on and actively lean not on my own understanding. 

    So, in that regard, I gravitated to God even deeper. I allowed myself to be completely submerged in Love, I did away with the remaining habits I had and learned new things. I also learned that I actually like cooking just recently lol. But I learned it, as opposed to when I would say, I know how to cook I just don't like to, now I cook somewhat often. I learned how to be honest about who I am in Christ and how to be bolder. I overcame some fears, and spiritual things that held me captive for years. I learned on a deeper level what it means to pray and even how to allow the desires of what God wants for me to do, to be a focal point in my life and not a time to say and feel like I don't want to do what God has called me to do. Because let me tell you, it's been quite a bit of things that the Lord has had me to do, that I did not want to do, but guess what, it ended up working out in my favor and blessing me in the long run. Now what I will say, is that I am coming up on having to do something here soon for the kingdom and, UMMMMMMMMM! I am just not ready, but God is making me ready, so when the time presents itself, I know it'll be a mighty movement. As for my husband, I hope that you are doing well, and that you to have learned and healed through the lens of the Holy Spirit and prayerfully you are staying the course of remaining on fire for the Lord. Until we meet physically. 


Signed,

Your Wife,